Pretty @#^%$#@ing Cool ...

I've been darn lucky to win a bunch of journalism awards over the past 15 years and last week I got one more, from the Arizona Press Club. Frankly, I got excited about this one, because these days writing columns is more a hobby and less a job. I don't do it for the money, but more to have the feeling of people reading it.

Anyway, a bunch of folks have asked me which column won. Here it is, from the December 2008 Scottsdale Times:

Every so often, you witness one of life's transcendent moments, a sublime sliver of eternity. False pretenses fall away and the true essence of Man reveals itself for all to see. For yours truly, this happened a few days ago at my local Bank of America ATM.

The scene? Early on a Saturday, inside Fry's grocery. A long line of sad-faced bank customers stand by to transact their meager financial business. A man in saggy sweatpants steps to the automated teller. He inserts his card, fingers the touchscreen. And then, madness erupts:

"#^&@*%+#$@!" screams Mr. Sweats. And again: "Un-%$^%#^@-ing believable. $%^#@#!&^. ##%$^*^#. I can’t believe the (anatomical reference deleted) on these people."

I'll spare you the finer points of this diatribe, Dear Reader, except to say that there apparently had been a hold placed on a deposited check and some disappointment regarding our hero's available checking balance. That's really not important, though, because here our story takes a surprising turn.

"Watch your mouth," urged a 20-something Good Samaritan standing in line. "There are women around."

To say that Mr. Sweats took umbrage at this warning would be putting it too mildly – by about half. "Yeah?" he said. "Well, $#$@@$% 'em. And %#&^# you too. ^$^%&#$ all of you."

The gents' debate continued like this for some time, and it was riveting stuff, with threats of mayhem that would have made the Al Qaeda network proud. But the highlight of it all, the reason for this column, came courtesy of a white-haired lady spectator, a "call Central Casting and have em' send down a grandma" sort of woman, 75 years old at least, with a purse the size of the Blarney Stone slung over her arm.

Says Granny: "Why don't you both shut the $%%#^ up?"

There was laughter and even a smattering of light applause. Me, I would have high-fived the lady, but (a) I was worried I'd break her arm, and (b) I was caught in the throes of an epiphany.

Profanity really gets a bum rap in this country. That was my startling realization. For all the talk of swearing degrading the English language, of curse words being the last refuge of the unimaginative, sometimes a well-timed @#^%$#@ is exactly what's necessary.

Minus the foul language, Granny's line simply wouldn't have been funny. Nor can I imagine checking the Dow these days without having a full of arsenal of swear words at my disposal. I'll defer to no less an authority than Mark Twain here:

"Under certain circumstances," Twain is credited with saying, "profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

Hey, who am I to disagree with the author of Huck Finn? Plus, as anyone who's ever watched Shaquille O'Neal shoot foul shots or the Arizona Cardinals blow a fourth quarter lead will attest, sometimes Shakespearean prose simply doesn't do a tragedy justice.

Speaking of sports, I can't believe – in a world where cable TV and satellite radio are rapidly becoming king – that no network has unveiled an R-rated play-by-play broadcast hardcore fans could pay extra to enjoy. Think about it: The Suns are playing the Spurs in the playoffs and Tim Duncan drains an improbable three-pointer to kill our hopes of a championship.

On one network, you have Al McCoy holding forth: "Heartbreak hotel, Suns fans. That's a tough loss for your Phoenix Suns."

On the other channel, you have a guy saying what Al is surely thinking anyway: "Are you, ##$%^^@ing kidding me? What kind of #$#%$^ is that? Sweet sassy molassey, that's the most $^@!$%& ridiculous shot I've seen in my #@$%^& life. God, I $%$^&* hate the Spurs."

That's what it sounds like at my house, I promise you.

Besides language more accurately reflecting the real world, swearing has another potential upside – uniting us at work. I kid you not. A 2007 British study published in the Leadership and Organization Development Journal claims as much. According to Professor Yehuda Baruch, profanity not only cuts down on job-related anxiety, it also knits together colleagues.

"For some people, the use of profanity is a way to create collegiality," Baruch told ABC News. "For others, it's a way to relieve stress. …This is a message to managers. When people feel better, the group feels better. It's a win-win situation."

What else is there for me to say except to utter a hearty "@#!&*^ yeah?"

Besides, swearing can also be very profitable. Witness the case of Dawn Herb, a mother of four who hails from Scranton, Pa. Last October, Herb, 33, began cursing a blue streak at an overflowing toilet in her home. Little did Herb know that her neighbor, an off-duty Scranton cop by the name of Patrick Gilman, could hear her through the open bathroom window. A verbal cursefest ensued – not unlike my ATM debacle – except this one ended up with Herb arrested for disorderly conduct.

For a while, she was facing 90 days in jail and a $300 fine. Then the ACLU got involved, a judge found Herb not guilty and threats of a lawsuit for false arrest began to fly. The net result? Last month, the city of Scranton settled and paid Herb $19,000 for her trouble.
Is that crazy? Absolutely. ##%^ crazy. But in the final analysis I have to agree with one of Herb's attorneys, an ACLU staff lawyer named Valerie Burch.

"What may be profanity to some is poetry to others," she said via press release. "Both are constitutionally protected expression and the police can't charge people for either."

Charge people? Heck, nowadays they actually pay people to curse.

The judge's take on the above? “Leibowitz does what only great humorists do: takes one small incident and builds an entire story around it, complete with a laugh-out-loud line involving a granny who fights fire with fire. Excellent!”