2009, The Year In Preview

My latest column for the Times; the first one of 2009.

For days now, I've tortured metaphors like some keyboard Dahmer, struggling to find the perfect comparison to explain how thoroughly the year 2008 sucked. None of my usual "complete suckage" standbys – various ex-girlfriends, Shaq's free-throw shooting, the Arizona Cardinals – seemed to do 2008 justice.

In the end, I came to a prudent decision: I'm going to forget the entire year ever happened. So if you flipped to this page expecting to read one of those annual newspaper column staples – the funny haha year-in-review piece – you're going to be halfway disappointed.

While I refuse to say one more word about the Hellish Year That Was, I fully intend to review a year in the pursuit of some yuks. The annum in question? 2009, for which I have nothing but high hopes. Here's how I see it breaking down:

Jan. 4th: After a drought of some 60 years, the Arizona Cardinals show up on a sunny Sunday afternoon to host their first home playoff game in most every Arizonan's lifetime. Sadly, the NFL neglects to tell the team that the game was actually scheduled for Saturday, the 3rd. The bad news? Without the Cards' present on Saturday, they lose to the Atlanta Falcons 47-0. The good news? The drubbing might have been worse had the team actually been in attendance.

Jan. 20th: In separate swearing-in ceremonies some 2,000 miles apart, Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States while Jan Brewer takes office as the 22nd governor of Arizona. Obama's speech is marked by references to his campaign slogan, "Yes, we can." Brewer, meanwhile, coins what becomes the signature line of her time in office – "Really, I am?"

Feb. 17th: The East Valley Tribune, in yet another cost-cutting move, lays off all its reporters and editors and announces that it will publish a daily newspaper composed solely of "user-generated content." Publisher Julie Moreno explains, "You can come on down and write stuff or submit a picture and we'll find some space for it somewhere. It doesn't even have to be a story. Just make a list or something." Shortly after the press conference, Moreno lays herself off.

March 11th: Almost three months after the Valley's light rail system begins accepting passengers, 72-year-old Marvin Lipschitz of Mesa becomes Metro's first-ever rider. Lipschitz, a retired construction worker from Waukesha, Wisc., explains to the assembled media that he actually boarded the light rail car by mistake. "Whaddya mean, it's a train?" he asks. "I thought it was one of those 5 & Diner deals. I just want some onion rings."

May 3rd: After more than a year of disappointing Suns' fans, Shaquille O'Neal finally wins over the crowd when he dives for a loose ball and inadvertently crushes team owner Robert Sarver. Sarver suffers two dislocated shoulders and a sprained face in the collision, leaving him unable to cross his arms and stare smugly up at the Jumbotron – his preferred pose at every Suns' home game.

June 30th: As the fiscal year comes to a close, the City of Phoenix makes a last-ditch attempt to ward off bankruptcy – by attaching speed cameras to those poor hand-held sign guys who dance in place at intersections all around the city. "They're standing there anyway," explains Mayor Phil Gordon. "Besides, if we don't do this, we'll only have to hire them to hold 'Liquidation Sale' signs in a few weeks. It's that bleak."

July 4th: Undeterred by his second losing campaign for the White House, Arizona Republican John McCain announces plans to run for a fifth term in the U.S. Senate. McCain, just a few weeks shy of his 73rd birthday, livens up his own press conference by telling reporters, "Hey, get the hell off my &^%$# lawn, you *^$@^&!" He then drives 32 mph in the left lane all the way to Hometown Buffet for a 4:30 pm dinner fundraiser with Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Sept. 14th: Angered by yet another editorial calling for his resignation, Sheriff Joe Arpaio raids the Van Buren Street offices of the Arizona Republic, proclaiming his intention to "arrest the Republic." Told that in America it's customary only to arrest people, not corporate entities, Arpaio explodes, shouting at the top of his lungs, "I'm the sheriff, elected by the people, and I'll do what the people elected me to do, because that's why they elected me. To do that. What they elected me to do! Be sheriff." Arpaio calls the raid a success after his men take 11 Republic boxes and Ed Montini's computer into custody.

Nov. 4th: With the 2010 election a year away, two Republicans announces their surprise candidacies for governor. Maricopa County Supervisor Don Stapley is the first to throw his hat in the ring, despite facing 118 criminal counts over questionable land deals. Within minutes, Congressman Rick Renzi – himself facing 35 criminal counts over a questionable land swap – also places his name into contention. The two hold a joint news conference where Renzi explains, "Usually Arizona governors get indicted while in office. We're already there, so why not us?"

Dec. 31st: With the Dow Jones hovering near 21,000, the Arizona Diamondbacks still basking in the glow of a world championship and the undefeated Suns and Cardinals also contending for titles, Times columnist David Leibowitz announces his retirement. "There's nothing left to complain about," says Leibowitz, a chronic whiner. "I mean, what am I supposed to do, be positive for a change?"

Right. Not likely to happen. Not this year. Not this lifetime.